


Loathing

by selfindulgentstorytelling



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Black Romance, F/M, Quadrant Confusion, Red Romance, Vent Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 09:59:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6465919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfindulgentstorytelling/pseuds/selfindulgentstorytelling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some venting writing I did the other night, thought i'd share and see if I can give people feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loathing

You looked over at your kismesis, sprawled out on your bed sheets, a cigarette in hand and a look of forced smugness on his face. You knew it was hiding the pain that never quite left his eyes. You knew he was just grateful for whatever piece of you he could get, pathetically scrounging for whatever attention you would give him.  
You hated him for it.You hated him for making you hate him, and you loathed him for not hating you back.  
You’d fucked him from other timelines, other dream bubbles too. It was endlessly amusing, surprising unknowing, equally pathetic and eager versions of him with hate sex. They always scrambled to keep up, so fucking over zealous and awkward in their attempts to reciprocate. You felt a little bad, sometimes, for tormenting him, but you told yourself this is what he wanted. In almost every time line, this is what he wanted, or at least, it was a version of it. Besides, you always came back to this version of him. The version of him you grew up with. He was safe, in the way that a soft feather pillow is safe. Warm and willing and available. And so unbearably fucking red for you that you wanted to strangle him.  
“What babe, you not get enough?” He caught you staring at him, his lips curling into a smug smile. You tried to ignore the hope in his eyes.  
“Like you could ever give me enough.” That was a lie, of course. Another prod, trying to get that genuine blackness to be reciprocated. He couldn't truly replicate that burning, hate filled passion you craved but his attempts were… satisfying enough.  
Even after all this time to practice, his face flashed with hurt before he could think of a retort. You ignored it as you always do.  
You rolled away from him, pulling on a pair of bagging sweat pants as you stood. It was time to rush him out of here, before this became a one sided feels fest. Cronus couldn't stick to a quadrant with anyone.  
“Aight, Imma go get somefin to eat. You can let yourshellf out.” You dismissed him with a wave of your hand, not meeting his eyes. You walked out of the room without looking back at him, feeling a slight twang of guilt for leaving him feeling used. You told yourself that’s how it should be, that’s what a kismesis did.  
Your food preparation chamber didn't really have much to offer. That was the thing about dream bubbles - you kinda got what you came in with. Or what you remembered as being here. Whatever.  
Settling on some probably O-K haddock, you threw it into the frying pan. Behind you, you could hear Cronus following you into the hall, and then letting himself out of your hive. When the door closed behind him, you sighed, and settled down into your meal feeling less hungry than ever.

________________________________________________________________

 

His eyes met yours and you were suddenly aware of how much he surrounded you, how heavy and warm he was, his breath against your skin as he moved to kiss your neck. Much too gentle, too intimate, too soft. He would never hate you the way you wanted him too. The way you need him too.  
You were blinking back tears now, fighting the moisture welling up behind your eyelids. Coddamn it Pexies, pull your shit together. You are not gonna start crying like a goddamn wriggler facing Imperial Drones for the first time.  
“Shit, babe, are you okay?” His voice was so fucking sickeningly filled with red, and a few pale fuchsia tears landed on your face as he pulled away. He pulled out, leaving you painfully hollow, but left his arms wrapped around you. You pushed him off you, sitting up and turning away. Furiously you scrambled to throw some clothes on, ignoring the tears streaming down your face. Ignoring Cronus’s concerned questions and he sat up in confusion. Ignoring the feeling of his eyes on your back as you tried not to shake.  
Once dressed, you near ran from the room, continuing to hide your face. Luckily, there were lots of places in your hive to go.  
Once out from under Cronus’s concerned gaze, you were able to calm yourself some. You decided to start climbing the stairs, no real destination in mind except away. Eventually you found yourself out of stairs and in the fresh air of your rooftop balcony. The wind pressed against your messy braids and you sighed, sinking to the floor.  
It was no use trying to wipe your eyes at this point. Instead you just wanted the coloured drops fall from your eyes, and land one by one of the floor below you. Surreal. Like something from a shitty art piece.  
_How the fuck am I ever gonna explain this one?_

Once asked, the answer was pretty simple.

_I’m not._

Okay sure it wasn’t strictly speaking the healthy choice, but what the fuck about your relationship so far had been healthy anyway? There was no way you could face him again after that. No way you could watch him flux red and pale for you. Absolutely no way you could ever let him fuck you again.  
Tears were falling faster now, without the slightest concern for your permission. You wiped at your streaked face and were surprised by how wet it was. You hadn’t cried like this… ever? Every that you could remember. You weren't bred to cry.

Well who gives a flying fuck about that now?

Fuck, you were a mess You could wipe your tears fast enough and soon your hands were too wet to be of much use. Your sharp ears heard movement in your hive and you hoped and prayed he wouldn’t follow you up here. You couldn't handle that. You couldn’t handle being loved.  
This had to stop. But fuck, you didn’t have anyone else.


End file.
